I was standing in the queue at the local health food store with my basket full of over-priced, organic, local, vegan, cage-free crap when suddenly I was struck by a haze of fog known as boredom reminiscing. This phenomenon, where synapses are sparked by everyday mundane activities, usually takes me back to the 80’s and a much more simpler time before parents were “enlightened helicopters” and kids started bringing guns to school to solve their commonplace problems.
While in this haze I’m begging my mother to buy me Cap’n Crunch, if only because of the 2 free baseball cards inside. She obviously isn’t very modern, (alas, this is the 80’s, stick with me here) so she doesn’t know what the hell organic means, and her idea of a “healthy snack” would be a syrupy granola bar with chocolate chips or a fruit cup. The only reason she’s debating this is because she can buy the very same, generic version at a much, much cheaper price by the hideously uninspired name of Crispy Crunch. Well, this was a complication of epic proportions for a 12 year old. There was no chance of getting a fucking Jose Canseco or Mark McGwire card in a box of Crispy Crunch. What to do?
I’m startled out of this mini psychedelic trip by the impatient, too-cool-for-school checker with dreadlocks and a Nirvana t-shirt. She had been calling out to me, and like an idiot I was standing there, in a daze, thinking about the time I wanted to eat a box of sugar- laden crap in order to obtain pieces of cardboard with the likeness of guys who injected steroids in their ass so they could look like Greek gods, break a bunch of records and hit the ball out of the goddamn stratosphere.
Wasn’t it great?
The following was taken from Jessica Canseco’s book, “Juicy: Confessions of a former baseball wife.”…we kissed for awhile and I relaxed a little, but then I looked down and saw his weiner. It didn’t look like any weiner I had seen before. It was big and uncircumcised, and I thought it was one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen. But as soon as it got hard all the skin pulled back and it looked pretty magnificent. I don’t remember much about the sex. We made love in the standard position. I’m from a farm in Middle America. We didn’t get a lot of Latinos with uncircumcised wieners there. I also thought about his testicles, but it seems Jose’s were unusually small. (editors note: this is called testicular atrophy and can be linked to steroid use)
I know, we’ve all had Canseco over-load this week, but this commercial is pretty funny and kind of poignant considering he’s a teetotaler. Go on….waste 30 seconds of your life.
God, I love Leila.
Sounds like she is feeding the dogs right now. Jesus, those tits are amazing.
They are talking about ebola on the radio. I’ve been feeling feverish lately. I need to get that checked out. Ebola….that sounds funny.
Leila wanted to go get a”falafel” earlier. I had no idea what she was talking about. “Middle Eastern food,” she says. I wanted a Cuban sandwich.
The dogs are barking. Neighbor is fussing around in her backyard. I wonder if she knows I’m famous?
Puma puntu…or is it Punku? I just know that it fascinates me. Wow. How’d they do that?
“You’re a lot to handle…sometimes I just give up. But I’m all you have. You don’t have anybody else in your life.” Leila told me this earlier. She’s probably right. I need to call my manager about that autograph session later this week.
I do not think Mr 50/50 is born or conceived yet. God, I love Leila….her ass is amazing. Yummy.
I would love to be the hitting coach of the Oakland A’s. I love Oakland; the fans made me feel wanted again at the reunion.
Leila is cooking something. God, I love her. Wow. I made my Major League debut a year before she was born.
I think I need to clean my guns. I was the first man to achieve 40/40…perhaps I can be the first man to clean 4 guns at one time…..
Jose Canseco was recently pulled over by police with 2 goats in his backseat, 1 of which was wearing a diaper. He then tweeted this: Just got pulled over with goats in the car. The cop laughed at our poor goats . Awesome.
Longtime readers of the ‘Fro know we aren’t above a little sensationalism, so we are going to regale you with some of Mr. Canseco’s more , ummm, “interesting” tweets. Hopefully you can wade through the mis-spellings. Good luck.
I am and will always be just simply a basball player,my tomb stone will just say. Baseball. (Ok, this is sort of a humble sentiment, no gripes here.)
I do not have bitch tits (perhaps someone told him this…and he was IRKED!)
al gore was a head of his time .i miss him rest in peace buddy hug for u (Al Gore is not dead.)
Titanic 100 years wOw. Global warming couldve saved titanic. Sad to say (this is almost brilliant… at least he acknowledges global warming, unlike George W.)
I was driving last night on a lonely dark road and met this alien or maybe a really ugly girl and it gave me the lottery numbers (wow.)
hole families used to sleep in one big bed and produce no waste how did we go from their to killing polar bears in 100 years (no comment.)
I hope they have twitter in heaven (he obviously likes to be heard, nothing new here.)
I can’t stop crying (jeeeezuz)
I need an attorney pro bono my lanlord evicted me and would not let me take my chandeleers with me ,need your help to get them back
ungay and gay how are they not equal humans
Would you swallow your dogs throw up to save your best friend from dieing
Roses r red violets r blue my x is a pot head and so is her boo
Wow there is a black crow out side my window staring at me what does that mean
Step into my mind for one night c if u can survive the nightmares (I did, and I can’t)
This blog never seems to tire of news regarding Jose Canseco as I find him intriguing, appalling and entertaining all at once. I found number 4 to be the most impossible, whereas number 8 regarding the “Juiced” movie is too awesome for words! (all mis-spellings are his own)
1. spend more time with my daughter
2. get stronger and fitter
3. help people who are getting screwed wherever i can
4. return to pro baseball as player or manager and have dinners with McGwire, La
Russa, Bonds, and Selig.
5. Fight Shaq in MMA cage match
6. Get elected to a important political office in the U.S. or canada to help all
people and governments with there problems
7. Become a world class entreprenur and found at least two great companies that
make peoples lives better and funner
8. Write a third book and do a move deal for Juiced!
9. Do at least 100 promotional deals for good companies and products like Animal
Rights, Human health, Environmental, and Beer companies
10. Use position as A List entertainer doing reality, TV, movies, blogs,
columns, appearances to be able to do more charity
if anyone wants to make my new years resolutions true or can help me with any of
these deals contact my manager firstname.lastname@example.org.
Looking over this blog the past couple of days, I’ve decided the posts were waxing a bit too nostalgic and “literary” about the old boys game. I enjoy Bob Costas as much as the next guy, but Jesus Christ he makes me want to puke sometimes. In the end it IS just a game played by big babies, Bob! So without further ado, here is some good old fashioned American sensationalist/ muckracking/ schedenfreude about two of the easiest targets ever to walk the earth.
To those of us in the know, Ozzie Canseco was Jose’s scrubby identical twin brother that never quite panned out in the bigs. Ozzy played with Oakland and St. Louis, amassing 65 AB’s, 0 hr’s (462 behind big bro… err…. his twin) and overall was seen as sort of an afterthought, perhaps even a sideshow draw because of his name. Noone really gave a shit about Ozzie until about 10 years after he retired and gave the world his own brand of slapstick comedy:
– posed as his brother on the show VH1’s “The Real Life,” in which case the other participants didn’t know he was really Ozzie until the show’s end.
– posed as his brother for a boxing match, yet was found out when he took off his shirt and didn’t have the same tattoos.
– In 2002, Canseco pleaded guilty to charges stemming from a nightclub fight on October 31, 2001. He and his brother got into a fight with two California tourists at a Miami Beach nightclub that left one man with a broken nose and another needing 20 stitches in his lip; Canseco was charged with two counts of aggravated battery. The brothers received probation and community service – Ozzie was sentenced to 18 months probation, 200 hours of community service and anger management classes
– reportedly posed as his brother in order to sleep with Jose’s wife.
– In 2003, Canseco was sentenced to four months in jail for possessing an illegal anabolic steroid and driving with a suspended license.
An Ozzie interview, courtesy of buzzfeed.com…
What are you up to these days?
I’ve been working with baseball players for almost 30 years now, and I offer baseball lessons for every aspect of the game. I work with kids.
How was the stint in Yuma?
It was an independent league, and I was there for approximately 4 months coaching alongside my brother.
Have you had any more substantial coaching jobs since Yuma ended?
Not really. I tried to play one or two games for Yuma, but old injuries from the past kept coming back.
What do you think of your brother’s Twitter?
My opinion is that many years ago, the media took it upon themselves to paint my brother in a very negative light. He was very outspoken, and the fact that he talked about racism and the unfairness of the game, which has always been there — because of this, there was allowed to be an open season because he was outspoken. Some players are protected from the media, and some aren’t, and he was not. As correct as he was, and as truthful as he was, when he wrote the book on steroids and told the absolute truth — we live in a time where the truth is taboo. So it was definitely open season on Jose. And that led to everything that’s happening now. He’s just trying to survive like the rest of us. He’s trying to play the cards that he’s been dealt to the best of his abilities.
A lot of people think he’s crazy. Is he crazy, or is this all part of a plan?
Yes, it’s part of a plan. 100%. If you’re in the game, the game of life, and you’re dealt certain cards, you work with those cards and bluff with those cards to do the best that you can. It’s that simple. He knows that he was dealt the wrong hand. He was colluded against by major league baseball, thrown out of the game. The MLB owes him 25 million dollars. So now you try and do the best that you can with what you got.
Why does Major League Baseball owe him 25 million dollars?
The fact that many organizations colluded against him and wouldn’t give him a job when he was healthy and could’ve played. He could’ve easily produced 30-40 home runs a year and 100 RBIs. He even offered to play for free or put together a contract based solely on incentives, minimum salary to no salary, and no one would even touch it. To me it would’ve been a no-brainer for any organization. That was pretty obvious. In my opinion, it was very obvious that there was collusion. This was probably around the mid-90s, toward the end of his career.
Why have you been keeping such a low profile?
I have nothing to gain. Jose has things to gain because he has a name, and he’s not famous, he’s infamous. He’s trying to use his infamousness — I don’t know if I just made up a word there; the fact that he’s infamous — to the best of his advantage. I prefer to stay out of it as best as possible. I try, anyway. And by speaking with you now I’m kind of breaking that rule, but sometimes you have to say what’s on your mind. I don’t think you should be quiet forever.
What happened with that boxing match where you switched places with Jose? Was that planned? Did you know you were going to do that?
I never spoke about that for a reason, because there’s a lot of misunderstanding about that. I’d rather not talk about that.
Are you and your brother close?
I’d rather not talk about that.
What did you learn from playing overseas? Did you like it?
Baseball’s very similar, they’re very detail-oriented when it comes to the game of baseball, very technically sound. What I enjoyed the most is their society is based on respect and honor and hard work. Unfortunately here in the states it’s the opposite, my personal opinion.
Do you ever feel like you didn’t get a fair a shake in the Major Leagues?
Absolutely. A lot of people had that view of my situation, always thought that I never got a legit opportunity to get rooted in the big leagues. I was never told for sure why. To this day I’d like to know why. I can remember vividly as if it was yesterday when I was in big league camp with the Cardinals in 1993. Joe Torre was the manager there, I was leading the club in RBIs and homers as a pinch hitter, as a part-time player. The last week of spring training I was benched, and I remember as if it was yesterday, I stepped into Joe Torre’s office and said, “Mr. Torre, I’m not playing and I feel as though I’ve been producing more than anybody on the squad, leading the team in home runs and RBIs, and I’ve been on the bench for 3 or four days now. What did I do wrong, did I disrespect anybody, did I step on anybody’s toes?” He didn’t have an answer for me. After that I was sent back down to Triple A. so I definitely felt that I should’ve been given a little more of an opportunity.
If there’s only supposed to be one God, why are there so many religions? Why are there so many beliefs? Why do certain beliefs clash with others? I’m just confused about the whole thing. And if God made man in his image, then what image is God? Is God black, white, or Chinese? Is God a woman? A midget? I mean: What isGod? To me religion is a scam, a way to control society. It doesn’t make any sense. It does not make any sense.
I question the fact that there are a million reasons why there supposedly is a God, but people are hesitant to explore the reasons why there might not be a God. For example, why do most girls have their first period before they’re 13? Why do girls have periods so early in life? If there was a God, this might be different. Our society tries to put religious stipulations on sex, but biology has different plans. What does it mean for a girl to have her period? That means she’s ready to have sex and give birth, right? But, depending on which state you live in, our laws say you can’t have sex till you are 16 or whatever. A lot of times our laws contradict what our God—if there is a God—says. The whole system is backward, messed up, and corrupt.
There are no buts about it. The government has been mixed with religion. The most confusing part is that many different religions believe in one God, but some don’t. It’s like, which god should I believe in? Which one is the best? With some religions you have to pick a god and the others you ignore. What’s that about?
I will admit that it’s weird to believe that there is no God and nothing after death. Is that why religion was invented? Is it because people think life is so bad, there has to be something after death—something different? What if there is no life after death? What if it’s just blackness? I for one believe there is no afterlife. We’re just like cockroaches. It’s real simple: Dying is like never being born. Do you understand now? It’s the same thing.
I’ve always been a really common-sense type of man. Long ago I figured out that religion doesn’t make sense. If there was a God, why is there so much pain and suffering and so many wars? Science says man was created of, by, and for evil. If God exists, then God rules the heavens, and Satan rules the earth. Terror. We’re born of evil. As little kids what’s the word we always hear? No. We always hear no. “No, don’t do that. Don’t do this. No. No. No. Don’t.” This is because most of the human species is evil. We’re born of Satan, of Earth. Some get it a lot quicker. Some don’t get it at all: namely, those who commit crimes, murderers, and rapists. They do not get anything, and yet these are the people who will never convert. Darkness reigns.
I’m an atheist-Scientologist. It’s really simple. The reason why I look toward Scientology as an acceptable alternative is because it’s a religion mostly based on science and fact. I think Scientology is closer to atheism than anything else. I don’t believe in cosmos or agnosticism. I believe there’s just life on Earth and then you die. It’s the same as never being born. I think religions are cults. They’re cliques; they’re gangs. They know how to control the masses.
I haven’t examined each religion in detail to know if one is worse. I think every religion is hypocritical. If you don’t agree with one, then you’re fighting against another. Religions confuse people. People’s religions aren’t based on fact. They’re more like theories about what may have happened in the past. Religion is a form of brainwashing.