Canseco and Cap’n Crunch

I was standing in the queue at the local health food store with my basket full of over-priced, organic, local, vegan, cage-free crap when suddenly I was struck by a haze of fog known as boredom reminiscing. This phenomenon, where synapses are sparked by everyday mundane activities, usually takes me back to the 80’s and a much more simpler time before parents were “enlightened helicopters” and kids started bringing guns to school to solve their commonplace problems.

While in this haze I’m begging my mother to buy me Cap’n Crunch, if only because of the 2 free baseball cards inside. She obviously isn’t very modern, (alas, this is the 80’s, stick with me here) so she doesn’t know what the hell organic means, and her idea of a “healthy snack” would be a syrupy granola bar with chocolate chips or a fruit cup. The only reason she’s debating this is because she can buy the very same, generic version at a much, much cheaper price by the hideously uninspired name of Crispy Crunch. Well, this was a complication of epic proportions for a 12 year old. There was no chance of getting a fucking Jose Canseco or Mark McGwire card in a box of Crispy Crunch. What to do?

I’m startled out of this mini psychedelic trip by the impatient, too-cool-for-school checker with dreadlocks and a Nirvana t-shirt. She had been calling out to me, and like an idiot I was standing there, in a daze, thinking about the time I wanted to eat a box of sugar- laden crap in order to obtain pieces of cardboard with the likeness of guys who injected steroids in their ass so they could look like Greek gods, break a bunch of records and hit the ball out of the goddamn stratosphere.

Wasn’t it great?

 

12 Comments

My mom was all In and down for the cause.Only In my case It was Post Honeycomb cereal,for the cards and then later for the mini bobble-heads.She made sure to bring home at least one box per grocery store visit.

I forgot about the mini-bobble-heads! Good stuff….thanks for the comment.

I don’t think they put freebies in cereal boxes anymore, do they? I miss the days of choosing my cereal according to the promised prize inside.

No they dont! Just made a mental note of that today while at the store. probably the doing of “concerned parents” no doubt.

Forget about mini-bobble-head and stickers. Try re-casting a classic movie with the Bash Brothers…
https://dubsism.com/2017/05/29/sports-analogies-hidden-in-classic-movies-episode-7-the-blues-brothers/

Loved reading this; your writing style is very entertaining and fun to read!!! 😊

Thanks Samantha 🙂

That’s good stuff. I was in my teens/early twenties doing the same thing. Well, I was buying my own but you know what I mean. Did you ever order the photo baseballs from Wheaties in the 90’s?

Yes! They kind of sucked because they were made of some sort of weird plastic instead of horsehide if I remember correctly. I also remember my grandfather telling me that I better get to eating Wheaties because we had bought a bunch of boxes for the UPC codes. 🙂

“haze of fog known as boredom reminiscing” is one of the many greatness to take away from this post! Great job.

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