Daric Barton selling churros at the Oakland Swap Meet.

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Daric Barton is the player every Athletics fan loves to hate. He was put on waivers TWICE in one week and not ONE team claimed him! (not even the Mets) Welcome to the first installment of Daric Barton, churro vendor:

I pull into the parking lot, pay my 1.50 for parking, and proceed to fill my large cup with some vodka and orange juice. I finally park after 15 minutes of driving around and about 15 minutes of arguing with complete strangers. Welcome to the West Wind Coliseum Swap Meet in Oakland, Ca. Everyone loves the swap meet, yet I don’t know whether to love or hate this place. It’s dirty, many of the vendors are lacking in English language skills, and I haven’t really found anything useful here. It’s an interesting cultural experience, to say the least. If you want cheap slutty clothes, funky gaudy jewelry, electronics that may or may not have “fallen off the truck” or strange kitsch from south of the border, junkyou may find yourself in heaven here. Personally, I go there for the vintage video games and baseball memorabilia (and the big booty mannequins). When it comes to selling junk (or clutter if you prefer) most of the stuff here looked like leftovers from a dumpster.  This place was reminding me of a Daric Barton at bat on a sunny day: the only thing you’re going to leave with is a sunburn and a little less dignity than you had before.

On the positive note, they also have multiple booths throughout, selling beer or micheladas at reasonable prices. I’m done with the vodka and purchase a Dos Equis from a vendor. The day is reasonably cool and I’m getting a slight buzz on. After a couple of puffs from my vape pen, I’m feeling rough and ready. I’m stumbling around at a slow pace and trying to ignore the constant yammering from the vendors. It sort of reminded me of “the alleys” in downtown Los Angeles. This conversation between a kid and her grandma had me snickering all the way back to my car:

Abuela: Do you want it? I’ll buy it for you. I had one in my room when I was your age.
Kid: Uh…who is it?
Abuela: Whaddya mean, who is it? Don’t you know who the Virgin is?
Kid: Oh sure. I know who she is.
Abuela: (Turns to vendor to pay for portrait)
Kid: (Turns to me shrugs her shoulders and mouths ‘Who is that?)

 

Daric Barton, churro seller season stats: 48 AB’s, 0 HR’s, .146 average.

 

9 Comments

Talk about a should we keep him, no throw him out I mean get him back , nahh toss him one more chance hand me down salvation army Barton. Thanks goodness he’s on the A’s and not the Cardinals any more. The big booty mannequins and abuela ninita virgin mary talk. This is just a gorgeous post start to finish. I was flinching in case you decided to dunk a churro in that screwy delight of oj and vodka. Those donuts are meant for a lowering into into a coffee mug.

I think I have to agree with Steve. The OJ/vodka concoction threw me… but then, I’ve never tried it. Perhaps give it a shot before I judge? But yes, even if the beverage is good, I don’t think dunking a churro in it would be a great idea.

OJ and vodka is weird? It’s called a screwdriver, gentlemen; a fairly typical drink.
Thank you for the compliments…there are some faults on ALL our teams, (ours being the bullpen and hitting with RISP) no doubt. Yet, this guy has been a constant thorn in our sides for years. There are even theories that perhaps him and Beane are lovers. Outrageous, I know. But there really are no COMMON SENSE theories. If anyone has one…I would love to hear it.

It’s the churros Gary. They get too soggy when dunked in the screwy delight. I’ve seen it make a spanish boy cry.

I must not have been clear. I spent a many a ball games sipping from my smuggled in sunny delight plastic bottle. It was a home made concoction of smirnoff and sunny delight and hence the name screwy delight because it screws you up in pleasant sort of way. An absolute favor of mine. Saved me loads of money at games as well. We watched many rowdy drunks get thrown out of the stadium and while sipping out civilized cocktails and watching the game, but I swear we never posed as british agents.

As far as common sense theories about this guy, I’m thinking it might be the AWTHBIJL lakota dynamic+…..that being the ah! what the hell baseball is just luck adjusted of course to each park.

dammit. i just ate some pasta and hamburger meat with ketchup, but sweet pumpkins, this day just got better. I’m glad to hear you being a Brewers fan again. Good feeling.

Vaughn had some boom boom years with Brewers. The Padres gotta a deal in that trade.

Thanks for the link back to your friend Josh’s post. Yeh, I remember that and will reread it now. I’ll be able to put that post in better context and hear the band as well.

holy mackeral. behead the prophet, no lord shall live. who will be the first manager to get axed this season? there’s some power in that. much more to check out.

I second Steve’s praise. The flea market-esque atmosphere is captured remarkably well here: “It’s an interesting cultural experience, to say the least. If you want cheap slutty clothes, funky gaudy jewelry, electronics that may or may not have ‘fallen off the truck’ or strange kitsch from south of the border, you may find yourself in heaven here. Personally, I go there for the vintage video games and baseball memorabilia (and the big booty mannequins).” Simply wonderful prose. Also, your intro says this is the “first installment . . . .” I don’t know if that’s just being playful–but I do hope to read more of this potentially serialized work featuring protagonist/antihero Daric Barton.

P.S. I understood the vodka & OJ drink reference, although I’m partial to the standard white Russian. (However, I do see the nutritional breakfast value of the OJ in the screwdriver.)

I think I will make this a bi-monthly installment just because it was so popular on the Facebook page and, well, it’s goddamn funny! Thanks for your compliments…they are much appreciated.

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