A cold, boring day with Bris Lord

bris-lord-philadelphia-athletics-baseball-card-portrait

Robot Ham

Winter is upon us, baseball season is over, and despite my fervent following of the NFL in the past, I find that I just don’t have as much interest in the grid-iron anymore. But before I wax nostalgic about the change in seasons, I must admit living in Los Angeles doesn’t give you much opportunity to do so, and that is just as well as I don’t like snow, rain, or cold weather in general. I sadly (or joyously, depending on how you see it) sit around in my spare time, enjoying the small pleasures of existence, drinking beers and watching you tube videos of baseball games from the 60’s and 70’s. If I need a break from the constant blather of the television, I’ll turn the son of a bitch off and enjoy the silence while researching a few players from the past that may have had a unique, interesting or challenging life.

Bris Lord’s life wasn’t exactly unique or interesting. Mr. Lord’s nickname was “the human eyeball.” His middle name was Robot Ham. Ok, so it was Robotham, but bear with me here. Robot Ham was also involved in one of the most lop-sided trades in MLB history as he was acquired from the Cleveland Naps for “Shoeless” Joe Jackson.  I suppose “Bris” is an interesting name, which means the Jewish right of circumcision performed on the male child on the 8th day of his life. But before you start contemplating how strange it is/was to be named after your schlong getting butchered, the man’s actual name was Bristol. Perhaps Sarah Palin named her daughter after him. (I would insert a Palin dick -joke here but that would just be too obvious and out-dated.) Now before anyone gets any bright ideas, I want the readers to know that I just happen to be circumcised. I heard that it’s “cleaner,” but I was also told that my sex life wont be as intense because of the sensitivity of the foreskin that I now lack… so it’s a double-edged sword. You can’t win.

“The Ham” wasn’t much of a player, as he only had a career .256 average.  I found a newspaper from January 17th, 1912 that had a small article titled “Bris Lord is taught to bat by Connie.” I thought that was a bit laughable as Connie Mack retired with a career batting average of  .242, 16 points behind Robot Ham’s career mark. I much prefer the “dog days” of the baseball season, because the dog days of winter have you writing articles like this. I think I’ll go read that Paul Auster novel that I’ve put off for awhile. I’ll stop by the store for more beer and chat with the Indian guy about how L.A. needs a football team and how fucked up young people are today. Dog days, indeed.

7 Comments

Your comic genius is a pleasure to read and lots of obscure history too. The uploads on YouTube of games from 1960 going forward as you mentioned in the first paragraph. Man oh man. I have to pinch myself half the time. There were so many days in the past when I wanted to watch games from other years, games maybe I missed or games before I was born. Right now I’m looking for one of Fernando’s starts to begin the 1981 season when he went 8-0 or whatever. I already have the 1981 ALCS games cued up between a’s and yankees. dammit, i wish that series woulda turned out differently.

Thank you for your compliments, Steve. Sometimes I feel like my writing is a little too “out there” for your average baseball fan, yet comments like yours keep me going. I find that most baseball writing is tedious and written in a journalistic fashion that turns me off. Imagine my excitement when I find a blog like yours! Although I am a die-hard Oakland fan, I have always had an unexplained fondness for the Brewers and the city of Milwaukee in general (strange, considering I’ve never been there) Maybe I’m just intrigued by the most bars per capita statistic. The Brewers always seemed like a blue-collar team that always busted their ass, and I can admire that.

Your welcome. Your writing is definitely in there for baseball fans like me and I know there are other ones who would feel the same about your writing. You don’t regurgitate old and tired baseball terms and ideas. You mix your own experience with baseball and that simple formula makes your writing real and fresh and of course, you’ve got a nice edge about you.

You’re right about the blue collar busting their asses Brewers or at least the first few decades of the team’s existence. I lived in oakland for almost 2 years and got a real similar feeling to Milwaukee. I used to eat Hot dogs at the Kaspers’ shack along Telegraph avenue, maybe around 42nd street. Not too far from where Clint Eastwood went to high school I think. All kinds of people would sit down in there and enjoy doing nothing and talking about whatever.

That’s probably the best reply I’ve ever received. I’m currently watching brewers white sox from July 21, 1983 and will cue up game 4 from 1972 WS to watch this evening.

It’s amazing how loud the crowd was and still is on that Milwaukee night. The previous year’s World Series were still fresh in memory and White Sox fans often made the trip to County Stadium like Cubs fans do today and that makes Brewer fans even louder. It’s the 6th inning and both Fisk and Luzinski have launched home runs and lead the Brewers 3-2.

The A’s rally in the ninth probably saved Dick Williams from having to answer questions about taking out Holtzman and putting in Vida Blue. Based on what Curt Gowdy and the A’s announcer was saying, Blue sounded pissed off for being put in the bullpen. But anyway, what a well played game. I was surprised there was no retaliation on that bulldozer slide by one of the Reds base runners. I can’t remember who it was, but he musta learned it from Pete Rose. It was great to see a bunch of future Brewers play a role in the win; Bando and Fingers. What a great team, a fun team the A’s were and still are, always going about winning in a unique way. By far the craziest stance has to go to Joe Rudi. Somehow he still manages to pull the ball. Cheers man! i’ll be on the lookout for game 5. Gotta dig that all those games were played in the afternoon and the Plymouth commercials are golden.

When I was about 12, I bought a few 1910 baseball cards at an antique store. One of them was this one——-

See, that card was all that I was familiar with the man, and according to his card, his full name was Briscoe Lord. Maybe they screwed up when they made the card.

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